Grief Companions: Supporting Families Through Child Loss
After I lost my 17-year-old daughter in a car accident in 2021, a friend said the news of our tragedy had traveled through our close-knit community like an “earthquake.” That imagery has stuck with me. The loss of a child is of such magnitude that it has wide-ranging effects on everyone connected to the family. It upends reality. The whole-hearted support of our grief companions can be the thing that gets us to the other side as we rebuild a shattered life.
Michelle Rutz experienced her own shattering and rebuilding when her 21-year-old son Kenny died in 2012. She has devoted herself since then to helping others cope with grief and loss as a bereavement counselor and educator. She and her daughter Christi founded Endless Joy Comfort Boxes, memorial gifts for grievers that incorporate the Japanese art of kintsugi.
Kintsugi is the practice of repairing shattered ceramics with lacquer mixed with a powdered precious metal like gold or silver. Rather than concealing the fractures, kintsugi accentuates them, and the piece becomes stronger at the repaired places. Michelle finds this to be a beautiful metaphor for life after loss.
In her own rebuilding process and when she counsels others on how to be good grief companions, she looks at both short-term and long-term actions they can take to support a grieving family.
Soon after loss …
Acknowledge the loss
Let your relationship with the grieving person guide you, Michelle said. Loss is not a situation that anyone is comfortable walking into, but it’s okay to not have the right words. It’s okay to cry and to let them have their tears, but it’s also okay if they don’t want to cry in front of people. The bottom line is that child loss is usually an unprecedented event, and no one knows what they’re doing. What’s important is the heart behind your actions and words and letting grievers know they’re not alone.
Don’t compare losses or give advice now
Remember and honor that every person’s experience is unique, even if you share the same “type” of loss. Give them the space to feel what they feel without judgment.
“Kintsugi is an apt metaphor for grief because every piece of pottery is built differently, so it shatters differently,” Michelle said. “The process of doing the work put it back together is messy and long and exquisitely unique.”
Also try to avoid platitudes or “fix it” language, and don’t separate yourself from a griever by saying you can’t imagine how they feel. You actually can, and they’re living the unimaginable, just as you may have to one day.
Do something but expect nothing
Instead of saying “Reach out to me if you need anything,” which puts the onus on the grieving person to ask for help, just do something. If you’re at the grocery store, text them to ask if you can pick up anything and drop it at their door (paper goods and toilet paper are always useful). Offer to babysit siblings while parents nap or take a walk. Organize a meal train and food delivery gift cards so everyone can eat without the burden of planning. If the food would be helpful but visits are too overwhelming, set out a cooler for people to drop them in. Mow their lawn while you’re mowing yours. There are countless practical, loving acts that can offer comfort and alleviate some of the stress of daily life, which must go on even as we grieve.
In the first few weeks, it can be a huge help for a close family friend to be the point person to communicate with grievers about what they truly need and share it out to the wider community. Support can be coordinated, which helps supporters feel more comfortable and avoids overwhelming the grievers.
Check in
When a grieving person comes to mind, reach out. Always send the text or make the phone call. If they don’t feel like responding, they won’t. Let them know that not responding is 100% okay, but you just want them to know you’re thinking of them. Grief and loss can be very isolating, and it’s good to know they’re not in it alone.
In the long term after loss …
For people who’ve experienced a profound loss, grieving is not done in a year or even in a lifetime. Grief is an aspect of love, and we never stop loving our children. It simply becomes part of us, and our challenge is to learn to integrate and carry it while still finding joy and meaning in life.
Grief companions can help in that process by giving grievers full permission and the freedom to mourn in their own time and way, no matter how long it takes. Although there is discomfort with death in our society, you can choose to keep supporting a grieving family all the way along their journey, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Continue to reach out
Keep checking in and inviting them. Don’t assume that they’re all good when some time has passed, but conversely let them have their good days when they come and celebrate with them. If you receive pushback, don’t give up and let the connection go. Instead, ask grievers what they need today and give them the space to tell you the truth without judgment. Sometimes grievers just want to feel normal and do normal things. Remember who they are outside of this thing that happened to them.
Talk about their child
Sometimes we don’t want to “bring up” the loss for fear of making them sad, but the truth is it’s never far from the griever’s mind. Never. Talk about their child and share your memories, especially those they may not know. I love when my daughter’s friends share their memories of her with me because she had a whole life outside of my presence and our home. Hearing stories of the funny or kind things she did and said provide comfort and help me stay connected to her. Even the parents of babies who died very early had a profound connection with their child and want to hear their names spoken out loud. It reminds us that they were here, and they mattered.
In a moving blog post about the stillborn birth of her first child, a mother had this to say:
“Overwhelmingly, the majority of bereaved mothers said that the most helpful thing for each of them was to talk about their baby, no matter how early or far into their grief journey they were. It is our biggest fear that our child(ren) will be forgotten as time moves forward without their physical presence. The only thing we have left is the memory of our babies, and we fight to keep that memory alive. Help us by sharing in the memory of our child. Yes, these are painful memories. Yes, it is hard to talk about. Please ask us about our babies anyways. Tears may fall, but that is just another expression of our love for them.” — How to REALLY Help a Bereaved Parent (and What NOT to Say…)
Remember the siblings
Siblings can sometimes get lost in the whirlwind of grief but remember they too have experienced a loss. Acknowledge them and let them know they are seen and heard. Doing special things with siblings and keeping life normal for them can be a great comfort to parents at a time when they’re not able to be as present as they’d like.
Remember the meaningful dates
Michelle said she was touched recently by a friend who reached out on Kenny’s birthday, and it’s been 12 years since his death. Grievers often say the lead-up to special days and anniversaries can be even tougher than the days themselves. Keep this in mind when grievers seem “off” or overwhelmed, and they’re not sure why. Acknowledge and recognize their child during family events and holidays by including them in the conversation.
Michelle said when she works with grief companions, she stresses three things: There is no reward for speed (even in our busy, accomplishment-oriented culture); don’t be attached to outcomes; and allow for the divine momentum of knowing you don’t have to fix anything. Walking alongside those who grieve is a profound act of love that affects how they move forward in life.
Michelle Rutz is a counselor and educator specializing in bereavement and the process of integrating loss and finding purpose and joy after tragedy. She is also the co-owner with her daughter Christi of Endless Joy Kintsugi Comfort Boxes, founded in honor of their son and brother, Kenny.
Erica Rountree is a freelance writer, editor and marketing professional. She writes a Substack newsletter called It’s Still Beautiful Here that was born from a CaringBridge blog she kept as she navigated the grief of losing her husband and daughter in 2021. Her daughter Cate is 23 and recently started Physical Therapy school at Georgia State University.
Related:
Supporting a Heart Warrior Family: How Can I Help?
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